According to a widget on my cell phone I have already saved $110.17. I no longer have to carry tissues in my car for my M-F 5-minute hacking ritual during my commute home, and the sharp pains in my chest have completely disappeared. So why doesn’t 28 days without a cigarette feel any better than this?!!! I think I really had expected to be completely over it all by now. I think I had imagined a healthier and wiser me looking back at my former addiction right around day 15 with a friendly smile and wave, almost feeling sorry for it. I think this was terribly silly thinking!
I had lunch with a friend last week who has been exactly where I am right now. She told me something that I really needed to hear but it took a few days before I allowed myself to listen to her advice. She said to me “It is going to take you at least a year to do everything you have ever done as a smoker now as a non-smoker.” When I heard her say those words out loud I immediately dismissed them and I think I even audibly let out a PFFSTT in protest. I didn’t let the words escape me but I carefully cataloged that statement in a compartment in my brain where I could later recall it when I was prepared to listen without judgement. Why do I have to be so stubborn all of the damn time and Why do I always have to be so different and Right all of the damn time? All that I ever seem to end up with is disappointment and letting my own self down.
In conquering my addiction I am also wanting to discover who I really am and I am struggling to love myself. I am trying to discover how to learn who I am, accept who I am and love who I am. This really is the longer road ahead, and the one I am trying to stay focused on for now.