28 days later

According to a widget on my cell phone I have already saved $110.17.  I no longer have to carry tissues in my car for my M-F 5-minute hacking ritual during my commute home, and the sharp pains in my chest have completely disappeared.  So why doesn’t 28 days without a cigarette feel any better than this?!!!  I think I really had expected to be completely over it all by now.  I think I had imagined a healthier and wiser me looking back at my former addiction right around day 15 with a friendly smile and wave, almost feeling sorry for it.   I think this was terribly silly thinking!

I had lunch with a friend last week who has been exactly where I am right now.  She told me something that I really needed to hear but it took a few days before I allowed myself to listen to her advice.  She said to me “It is going to take you at least a year to do everything you have ever done as a smoker now as a non-smoker.”  When I heard her say those words out loud I immediately dismissed them and I think I even audibly let out a PFFSTT in protest.  I didn’t let the words escape me but I carefully cataloged that statement in a compartment in my brain where I could later recall it when I was prepared to listen without judgement.  Why do I have to be so stubborn all of the damn time and Why do I always have to be so different and Right all of the damn time?  All that I ever seem to end up with is disappointment and letting my own self down.

In conquering my addiction I am also wanting to discover who I really am and I am struggling to love myself.  I am trying to discover how to learn who I am, accept who I am and love who I am.  This really is the longer road ahead, and the one I am trying to stay focused on for now.

on-top-of-the-world

 

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3 thoughts on “28 days later

  1. I use to smoke up to 40 cigarets a day Monica, I was a chain smoker, I started smoking when I was 16 although I had had a few puffs before than, I gave it up after a Doctor advised me to do so when I was 30 because I had Pleurisy, he told me it takes up to five days for the physical addiction to end but much longer for the effects of smoking and the habit and emotional addiction to no longer affect us and that was True I use to want a smoke when I was talking on the phone or when waiting for a Bus or when going to work in the train but I dismissed the urge as I was feeling so much better.

    Three years later I woke up from a dream very upset, in the dream I was smoking, one smoke in each hand, and I was puffing them alternately, I was so upset in my dream that I was smoking again, Wow was I happy and relieved to realize it was just a dream.

    About 20 years later I needed medication for a chest infection, the first thing the same Doctor asked me was; did I smoke, I said to him that he had told me not to smoke 20 years ago, he said since when does anyone listen to me!

    Sometimes Monica we can speak the Truth and give good advice, we are not always in error just because others think we are and ignore us, what we need to be sure of is we have the Truth in the first place and that depends on our focus and if we believe it is all about us or that others are important and of value too but sometimes this can depend on if we are frightened of them, other times because we think they don’t matter and what they think is not important. We all have something to share that can encourage others sometimes for good sometimes for bad this is why we need to know and share the Truth.

    Blessings – Anne.

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  2. About a week ago I had woken up from a dream after having just fallen asleep for the night. In my dream I could feel a lighter in my hand and I was flickering it and I had just returned from chain smoking in my garage. When I woke I really thought I had just smoked, and I was so angry with myself! I was sniffing my hands, hair, clothing, and searching for a lighter that was never there. I think maybe I don’t trust my own self and that I will be haunted by the addiction for sometime. Thank you very much for your comment, Anne! 🙂

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    1. Sorry to hear you had a similar dream Monica, their the pits, they feel so real, it’s been over 30 years since I smoked and I’m so thankful that I don’t and I never feel like smoking either, that nightmare was the last connection I had with smoking, I never wanted to smoke again but I do understand and feel for those who battle with giving it up but the way you gave it up cold turkey is the best, cutting down does not work long term.

      I have had other Addictions too Monica, hurt people often hurt people, including themselves and I sure did but my Best Friend helped me to have victory over my Addictions and He healed me too.

      Christian Love Always – Anne.

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