I wished you would die

shame

Everything was perfect before you were born.  Why did they think they needed you?  Wasn’t I enough for them?  I am so afraid.  I can see the way they hold you and the way their faces look at you, together.  I know they feel complete and more in love now that they have a child made from both of them.  Dad has never looked at me the way he looks at you.  Mom has always loved me more but you take away so much of her attention.  I wish sometimes that you would just die or that you were never born.  I hate feeling left alone, and I hate feeling responsible for you!  What is so great about you anyway?  I sit here on our porch watching you in your playpen.  You look like a helpless and pink piggy with a diaper.  Why do I have to watch you?  This feels like punishment!

Here.  Why don’t you eat this?!  “It’s chocolate” I say out loud.  “Uh Oh!  What is happening?  What are you doing?  What have I done?

Come on I was only kidding!  Please just swallow it!”

She’s turning red.  I don’t think she’s breathing!

I hit her on her back as hard as I can over, and over!  For once I feel relief when I hear your screams and cries.

I still hate you, and I still wish you would die!

 

Your secret will forever be safe with me ❤

 

*Note: I worte this in response to a blog post that I could not comment on (??)  Anywho, here is the link and the reason I wrote this:

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/reverse-shot/

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3 thoughts on “I wished you would die

  1. Jealously can twist a person to think and do what is very wrong and yet they can’t see this reality about themselves, they think they are OK and justify their actions, selfishness has the same response.

    My Birth Mother wished I would die and no doubt others have too, I can be in your face because like you Monica, I say it has it is, I speak the Truth, many would rather not know and remain in the dark, meaning in ignorance.

    Our Would tells us we must be Happy Clappy even if our heart is breaking but my Best friend tells me to share all my hurt and pain with Him and He comforts me so that even when all is dark I have His Light and His deep inner Joy.

    Christian Love – Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I interpreted this as being in the voice of an older sibling. A child might feel anger about the birth of a sibling which I think is normal. I think it is artificial the way people say oh he/she loves the new baby. I think at first it is definitely mixed emotions.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I feel like I am healing when I can write about things that just happened to me. Thank you for your comments and allowing me to share something so personal. It was an older sibling. I still don’t blame him for feeling the way he did or even doing what he did. I can see if even more clearly now from a Mother’s perspective. Hard lessons learned so that I do not repeat these behaviors in our family. ❤ Much love to you both.

    Like

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