Growth Markings

Tonight is the last night that we will sleep in our home.  One thing I cannot forget is a promise I made to both of my boys, for us to make one last growth marking for each of them inside their closet.  When we moved into this house 10 years ago, our oldest boy was only 9 months.  Now both boys are ages 10 and 4 and this inner corner of their closet resembles a handmade ruler of sorts.  We have always placed at least 2 markings per year for each boy, and it’s always been fun to see where baby brother is in comparison to where his big brother was at his age.  This tiny corner in our home is now the only personal item left, and it seems sort of sad to be leaving this memory behind.  I wish there were some way to preserve it all, and tonight I will do my best to capture it in a photograph, only I know the angle will be all wrong.

I am feeling really proud of myself today.  Although, if you could see what I look and sound like at the moment you might be really confused by that statement.  I barely recognized myself in the bathroom mirror this morning; something I have only experienced one other time in my life, and that was after my first son was born.  I have enough pressure and weight on my shoulders at the moment that it could be enough to crush an entire village, yet, somehow I am persevering.  Today I woke up determined (after I had a good cry), and I know that I can get through this move and begin this new chapter of our lives, and find a way to be happy.  I can hear a few strong female voices inside of my head telling me “You don’t need a man, and you can do this shit yourself!”  It’s just been hard to keep my emotions in check right now, but, I am aware, and I am working on it!  I have just been let down a lot lately.  Time to lace up these boots once again.

Like these growth markings inside of my sons’ closet, I wish I could be measured in some permanent way, for the accomplishments and work I do for my family.  I only wish I could preserve some parts of me.  I think I just need some validation for going this last stretch alone.

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