We have almost been in our new home a month but I just can’t shake my feelings of unhappiness. I knew there would be adjustments and growing pains but I never imagined I would be comparing this experience to having our first child. Enormous amounts of fear accompany each unfamiliar, and uncomfortable adjustment to all of the things that were once normal in our old life, only there was no added joy with a newborn baby.
At the end of every day that has followed 8.11.15, I have let out a huge sigh of relief that there have been no big fights, and with the start of each new day I rise with a reminder of my own unhappiness growing, as I tip toe from my bed to my bathroom, my jaw clenched tight. My first thoughts are always the same: “Who in the hell has to go through this kind of shit? What kind of life is this? This is NOT normal! This is not fair to our kids!” These negative thoughts setting the tone for my day, again. We have had to change everything about the way we live and interact as a family, and all to accommodate a tolerable noise level for the two grandparents who now live on the floor beneath us. I hate what I am turning into, and that is a Mother who is constantly shushing and yelling at her children, inside of their own home! I am always reminding them to “Be quiet,” and “Don’t stomp,” and I struggle with what is even right anymore, and I have to keep questioning all of my thoughts and decisions.
When we married, I knew that eventually this would be our lives since he’s an only child. I suppose I had always assumed we would have had more time together than this, but maybe I would be feeling this same way no matter how much time we really had together, alone. What time were we ever really alone anyway? I think I can always remember them being there.
This just hasn’t felt like OUR home, and I feel like I am constantly walking around on egg shells. There has also not been a single solitary moment that we have been home alone without them there. Yesterday evening I finally had a mental breakdown. I even threatened to take the kids and leave. What kind of monster am I turning into? I really thought that I was stronger than this. In fact, when I had looked into the future, before we were living together, I saw myself taking charge of this very situation that I am finding myself in now. Why am I being such a coward? What am I so afraid of? Why do they have so much control over me? Over us? Why did I ever allow this to happen?
To be continued……