My desire to bake is dead! It is for the time being anyway. I just can’t even imagine myself baking in my new home or in my new kitchen. I have zero desire to even reach for one of my cookbooks or to take inventory of my pantry for a baking supply shop. The thought alone of me baking just stresses me the hell out, and don’t get me wrong because I love to bake! In fact it was something I enjoyed doing at least once a week before we moved. I now share a kitchen with my Mother-in-law, and when I start to think of me baking in this new home I lose all interest.
The last time we were both in the kitchen together I was fixing dinner for my boys when I observed a sick dance between us. I was working as quickly as I could, my shoulders pushed up to my ears and I am aware of every crumb, every drip/drop, every dish, everything. She begins to run a sink of soapy dish water, and my interpretation: Don’t use MY new dishwasher. Then she was snatching up my dirty dishes before I even had a chance to wash them myself, and my interpretation: You are too slow, and too dirty for MY kitchen. When I forget something downstairs it will mysteriously end up on the stairs leading to our living space, and my interpretation: Put your shit away! We don’t want any evidence of you or them down here! So I just can’t even think of what it would be like for me to even try to bake with her watching me, judging me. The thoughts just completely deflate me and the desire to create is gone.
I am still searching for a creative outlet. One that doesn’t involve too much noise, smell, heat or time. Still searching.
Before we moved I created an Instagram account just to have a place to post pictures of all of the things I love to bake and cook for my family and with my family.
Here it is: https://instagram.com/azmofo623/
I had a tiny dream once of creating my own cookbook, but I think that tiny dream has finally died. Such is life!?