Last stretch

I woke to the sound of rain tapping on my bedroom window.  When I stood to peek out the blinds the winter sun was nowhere near rising at 4am.  The thoughts flooding my brain all involve my own short comings.  The things still left undone, and only 10 more days until Christmas.  I inhale to fill my lungs with cold air from my room, and before I can fully exhale I am crying.

I keep waking from a repetitive dream.  I am driving alone in a dark grey sports car on a disheveled freeway.  I am trying my best to keep the car from veering off my path but it’s out of control at this speed.  It’s always dark, and there are parts of the freeway that are completely missing….showing nothing but black empty space underneath.  I am terrified.  I am accelerating, and I pump the breaks but this car doesn’t respond.  The only control that I have is of the direction, and that is when the road loop de loops.  I am panicked, frantic, and I always wake from this dream startled, clenched and exhausted.  I am tormenting myself even inside of my own dreams!

I wish I could be satisfied with my efforts, especially when I have given so much of myself.  I wish I could be content with my place inside of this world.  I wish I would stop waiting, wishing, and hoping for things that will never be.  I wish I could just be happy.

blacktop-water

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Last stretch

  1. Excellent writing. If only she were geographically closer, there’d be a crazy red-head (gone silver) with a tray of coffee and teas at your door, demanding you get up and go shop Bisbee with her. She’d remind you that happiness is fleeting and contingent, and urge you to grope for joy – it comes from inside.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! You are so kind! Reading your comment honestly felt like a virtual hug, and that made me genuinely happy. Thank you for the gentle reminder that arrived at the perfect time.

      Like

  2. Thank Providence, my friend. I upgraded to Win 10 and it can’t seem to sync with my WiFi. I randomly loose my connection every 30 – 60 mins. Anyway, I’m glad I had any time for the Reader today. It. Gets. Better.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s