I woke to the sound of rain tapping on my bedroom window. When I stood to peek out the blinds the winter sun was nowhere near rising at 4am. The thoughts flooding my brain all involve my own short comings. The things still left undone, and only 10 more days until Christmas. I inhale to fill my lungs with cold air from my room, and before I can fully exhale I am crying.
I keep waking from a repetitive dream. I am driving alone in a dark grey sports car on a disheveled freeway. I am trying my best to keep the car from veering off my path but it’s out of control at this speed. It’s always dark, and there are parts of the freeway that are completely missing….showing nothing but black empty space underneath. I am terrified. I am accelerating, and I pump the breaks but this car doesn’t respond. The only control that I have is of the direction, and that is when the road loop de loops. I am panicked, frantic, and I always wake from this dream startled, clenched and exhausted. I am tormenting myself even inside of my own dreams!
I wish I could be satisfied with my efforts, especially when I have given so much of myself. I wish I could be content with my place inside of this world. I wish I would stop waiting, wishing, and hoping for things that will never be. I wish I could just be happy.