The lesson that I can’t seem to learn are so goddamn humiliating!  Because a woman of my age with two children should know better by now.  But how do you learn to respect something that you never had?  And how do you give thanks for gifts you never asked for?  I resent them all.

God, I feel small.  

It’s only a number, but those shapes and colors that bend to form give them all of their meaning.  This number that means nothing, and everything to me all at once.  Seeing it can give me hope; and seeing it can send me diving straight down into the deepest pits of darkness.  I just can’t shake this number today, and I can’t stop beating myself up for it.

How did I end up here, again?  

I have to do better, for them!  I have to be better!

When the phone rang I open my mouth to speak, but I was strangled by my own emotion. My tongue grew swollen while my throat went dry.

I hate myself, and what I have become. 

I manage to get out an unrecognizable “Hello” before I begin to cry.

“Shhhhhhhhh…..(the voice is telling me)

It’s going to be alright! 

We will figure it all out, just like we always do!

Just do your best to focus on your work until you get back home, and we can talk about it some more then.”

“Did you see it?  I am so sorry!”

“Yes, but, it’s only a number.  Please!  Just let it go.  It’s going to get better.  I promise.”

I only wish that I could still believe you!


4 thoughts on “Numbers

  1. Long ago a very wise accountant told me numbers are subjective… We can work them to substantiate what we see and what we want to see. Integrating that into my perception took some time, but in the long run it’s helped me. Perspective can sometimes change with a slight adjustment, a turn of the head or shift of the eyes. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Roos, you are so wise! Thank you for offering me some perspective. I know my own lack of self-love is only helping to perpetuate this number beast! I am doing a tiny bit better today. One minute at a time.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, Honey, I authored the self-loathing book and then burned it. I’m not wise, but God faithfully surrounds me with wise people, especially when I am at my lowest points – I think it’s part of that “First do no harm” thing. But then again, I don’t trust modern medicine 😀 I’m glad to hear you feel better today. You survived, so you unarguably are!


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