Did I do it again?

I found some of my writing on the back of an oil painting that I made in 1998.  I don’t remember writing this but I can remember this time in my life very well.  I felt disconnected from the entire world and I was so lost.  I had been longing to find someone who I could relate to, and someone who could love me for who I am not who they want me to be.  Funny that I didn’t realize at the time I wrote this is that he had been there all along, patiently waiting for me to recognize him (my roommate, now husband of 13 years).  Life sure is strange.  Beautiful and strange!

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The original title that I tried to erase was New Beginnings & Old Feelings, and the title I replaced that with was Did I do it again?

Did I do it again?

Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong?

What did I do to you to make you want to treat me this way?

I just want to crawl inside of you and fix everything that causes you pain, but may

be you don’t want to be fixed.

You never even gave me a chance to show you who I am, and you probably don’t deserve to know me anyway.

And why do I fall so easily?

What in the hell made me think you were so special?

You are all the same guy/man/boy that just keeps popping into my life.  Well stay the fuck away next time!

And I’m always around and I am always at home, and I am always convenient, for you.

Talking about your problems, hanging around your friends, easing your pain.

You are just a scared, lonely, pathetic little boy inside, and all you need is your Mommy, not me.

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Irony of Happiness

What is it that you are after?

Who’s approval do you seek?

Why can’t you be content in all of the love that you keep?

You’re always struggling to find happiness but your’e unable to see

That you are in fact your own worst enemy!

You’re always changing your habits but never your views

Twisting around your own words and bending your virtues

You sink your claws in just a little deeper

and most days you just hang by a thread

There is so much beauty underneath it all

but you wont enjoy it until you’re dead.

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